Four Christmases REVIEW

Holy, bloody, mother sucking hell, you guys are not going to even believe what the hell happened when I went to see the lovable Vince Vaughn and the mediocre Reese Witherspoon (I mean let's face it, really) this past weekend. Well, a few weeks ago, as you may recall, I went and saw a little film called Quantum of Solace. As I was all set and ready to relax in front of some excellent Bond action, some bitch decided she was going to come down and sit right beside me without leaving a buffer. We exchanged words (harsh, to say the least) and long story short, I ended up knocking her out in the parking lot before coming back to catch the beginning of the movie. So anyway, it's this past weekend, and I am sitting, enjoying the guy on the screen tell me about which tech gadgets I should want for Christmas, even though I don't because none of them hold a candle to any Apple product available, and the theater goes darker to begin the real coming attractions, beginning with Bedtime Stories (which, by the way, looks like Adam Sandler is back at the top of his game). So as the theater is getting darker, I hear this disgustingly clear sucking sound coming from the row behind me. I don't think anything of it, because I just keep telling myself that it's just the previews, and no one will be that inconsiderate when the actual movie starts. And so Bedtime Stories ends, and the next trailer begins, and it's for Jim Carrey's Yes Man. And I want to watch this one. But alas, the massive saliva slipping noise is still taking place right behind me. So I decide that it isn't worth it, and I turn around to hush the inconsiderate bastards who are making out during the previews of a movie they will most certainly be howling in, but in the revealing of the culprits, I am nearly knocked to the floor as the light flickers off of their connected faces to reveal their true identities. And you are not going to believe it. It was that stupid, push-up bra bitch from Quantum of Solace sucking face with none other than "Who I Am"'s resident blogger, Mr. Jonny Pizza!! Like Holy SHIT. So I can't even get two words out before they notice who it is in front of them, and I barely even allow time for it to register before I grab that silly bitch's curly, dark hair and start to drag her out to the damn parking lot for another lesson in theater etiquette. Jonny was stunned, not knowing what to do as I'm already half way down the stairs, having this chick bump her ass down every one as we head closer to the exit. To solve his confusion, I yell back at him, "It's that twat from Quantum of Solace" and he sits down in relief. He starts making out with the chick on his other side instead. Anyway, I make it out to the parking lot, which is filled with snow by the way, and I let go of what's left of her curly brown locks. I roll up my sleeves, and put up my dukes. This time however, she isn't as tough. No. She's instead crying. So, being the gentleman that I am, I antagonize her a little bit, telling her to stop being a pussy and fight me like a man. She can barely even speak through the sobs, but I managed to hear, "I'm not like I was at Quantum of Solace...I've...I've changed." So now I just feel bad. I decide to try and help her up, so I lean down and attempt to wipe away her tears, but that stupid bitch instead stabs me in the leg with the ice pick she was retrieving from her bloody purse. She stands up, yelling something about how I'm a fool for believing that she'd change, but I couldn't repeat it word for word because my leg was just oozing with pain. What happened next is a little blurry, because I was blinded by the pain of the stabbing, but I recall getting suffocated for several minutes in a snow pile before having my head knocked several times against the door of a red Volvo. It was about this time that I started to get a clear sense of where I was again...I think it was the fourth knocking that put me back to the correct state. Anyway, through all the pain of my throbbing leg I was able to pick myself up after throwing a slushball into her eye. Having to put all my weight on to the one leg, made me fall right back down after clocking her with my first punch. She went flying back into a Cadillac Seville, colour mint green, where she must have accidentally had her arm put through the window. Just her luck, the owner of the car was just exiting a screening of Twilight, and he did not take kindly to the damage his car had just undergone at all. I mean, he absolutely flipped his shit. I have never seen anyone this enraged over such a miniscule detail like this one. So as I picked myself up once again, I witnessed this 50 year old man, just absolutely pounding on this 20 something woman. He was just knocking her back and forth in the snow, until, at one point, one of her teeth flew right out into the snow in front of me. It was about this time, that I thought he had taken it too far. So I hobbled over to him, and tried to pry him off of the helpless girl, but he just pushed me back. I tried again. Same result. It was now, that I saw the ice pick the chick had stabbed me with. I winced as I bent to grab it, and I came back up holding it to the dude's throat. I whispered in his ear, "I think she's had enough, alright old man?" and he nodded his head ever so slowly. I kept going with my instructions. "You are gonna get into your precious Cadillac, and just drive away, and we'll all pretend that none of this ever took place, understand?" Again, he nodded. "Good." I said, and I let took the pick away from his throat. I picked the nearly unconscious girl up off the ground, and we watched the guy drive off, until we could no longer see the green tint of his expensive car. We stood there for a moment, not noticing that it had in fact started to snow, ever so lightly. It was an odd snow. There was no wind to blow it, so it was the rare time that the flakes were falling directly vertical to the ground. Standing in silence, no eye contact, I felt a significant connection to her at that exact moment, knowing she was appreciating the falling snow, just as much as I was. I turned to ask her if she wanted to go back inside, and as I pivoted, she cold-cocked me in the face with a pair of brass knuckles I had somehow missed from earlier on in the fight. Let me tell you, that hurt like a son of a bitch. On my way down though, I swung my size 12 steel toed boot around and caught her ankle at the awkward position she was planted in. I heard the immediate *crack* and felt her come tumbling down right beside me. I rolled over, seeing her body in a heap on the white pavement, grabbing at her broken appendage. It took me a few minutes to stand, but I got there eventually. I just stared down at her, before I demanded that she look into me eyes. Her pain filled doe-eyes pierced through mine, and we shared another moment, this time of utter disdain for one another. I looked deep into her soul, and saw the devil staring back. My mouth started to move, without my mind even knowing. I snarled at the beast, "if you don't want this to happen again, you better stop making out in movie theaters. It's just bad movie watching etiquette." And with that, I stepped over her body, giving it one last swift kick to the gut. The sound of her losing her breath echoed across the parking lot, and I made my way up the front steps and back into the theater. The score was now, 2 to 0, favor to me.

Oh, and Four Christmases was SOOOOO funny.