Bride Wars REVIEW

As you all may recall, a few days previous, I commented about my rather interesting film going experience when I took a trip to see the hysterically quirky Four Christmases. I ended up running into a rather familiar acquaintance, and well, the rest as we say, is gore. Anyway, I decided to hold my head high and go out tonight and see another movie, to lift my spirits...and nurse my shin wound. So with the release of the new Hudson/Hathaway flick, Bride Wars, I took my chances with what looked like a pretty amazing pairing of respected Hollywood actressed. I mean, if nothing else, I was hoping to catch a glimpse of the hilarious Candy Bergen. So I get to the theater, and realize that I forgot my wallet. Lucky for me, "Who I Am"'s resident blogger, Terra Nullius, and I were on a hawt date, so she was able to pay for the both of us. Nice move Gray, right? Anyway, as she reaches into her purse to pull out her Simple Plan wallet, some asshole just appears out of thin air (or so it seemed) and snatches it right out of her fairly loose grip. Not even missing a beat, I take off, two steps behind him, chasing the scoundrel out of the theater doors and down the blackened, icy street. It was going to be another interesting night, I could already tell. I took pursuit of the dude down the road that the theater was on, dodging patches of shiny concrete, making an attempt not to lose my footing. This guy was quick and agile. Obviously, he had done this before. When he reached the end of the sidewalk, instead of attempting to make a sharp right and continue along the designated walking area, he tore across the busy intersection, against the light which had just turned green. Cars began to honk and screech, deftly attempting not to hit the inconsiderate pedestrian that had jumped out in front of them. Not to be outdone, I launched myself into the maze of swerving vehicles, dodging and juking anything that was going to hit me. I stayed completely on pace with the guy, never falling a step behind. After the quick run in with near death, he booked it towards a parking lot of the hotel next to where the theater was situated. It was here that I guess he figured he could lose me if he could get enough parked cars in between himself and his chaser. His plan came into fruitation, as I lost my grip on the tread and slid to my knees across a plate of black ice. When I came back up, I saw no sign of the asshole. I guessed that he must've ducked down and was crawling along the pavement now instead. So back to my stomach I flopped. I stayed down there, desperate for any sign of movement. I scanned the narrow area underneath the cars. There was not an ounce of disturbance in the entire parking lot. I took a second glance. Nothing. I stood up, about to admit that I may have lost him, when suddenly, there was a flash in the corner of my eye. He must have suspected I was no longer hunting him, and that this would be a perfect opportunity to flee the trap. Alas, he didn't give this pursuer enough credit. Immediately upon seeing his getaway attempt, I took stride once again, chasing him through rows upon rows of cars. He weaved in and out of the immobile obstacles, before darting into the Holiday Inn itself. I followed closely, but noticed that I was slowly losing my breath. Unfortunately for this douche bag, the word quit was no longer in my dictionary. We both fly past the receptionist working, forcing him to follow the leader and try to get us to leave the building. Of course, that wasn't going to happen, I needed Terra's wallet back or else I couldn't see Candy Bergen!! So now I'm chasing the wallet snatcher, and the receptionist chick is chasing me up the stairwell, heading higher and higher in the building. I get about to the eighth floor before fatigue really starts to set in for both me and the wallet snatcher. So we're clammering and struggling for air with every step we walk up, but I turn around and it's not so much as even affecting the receptionist!! With every step I slow, she is speeding up one. I figure I gotta do something, and the wallet snatcher realized she was gaining as well, so he cuts out the door on the 10th floor of the building and I follow in suit. Of course, so does the receptionist, who by this point, is so close she's narrowly missing the heels of my shoes. The thief, still a few feet ahead of me, notices a young guy exiting a room in a bathrobe with an ice bucket in hand. The thief grabs the ice bucket from his hand and flings it in my direction, missing my head by inches. Fortunately for me, it clocked the receptionist right in the temple and she collapses immediately into a lifeless rag doll on the floor. The guy who's ice bucket it was is just flabbergasted, attempting to make sense of everything that is taking place in front of him. The wallet grabber whips by him, so I continue the chase. I tell the shocked tenant to call for an ambulance, because, well, I don't want this chick to die, right?? Anywho, the thief jumps into a closing elevator, heading down. Of course, the doors close right in front of me leaving me with the sights of this smirking bastard laughing right at my face. No. I can't let him get away. With all my strength I had left, I ripped the elevator door open, an jumped down the three stories onto the roof of the moving elevator car. A loud thud, but I made it. I open the emergency hatch just in time to see the pure shock on the vandal's face. I look down at him and say, "Leaving so soon?" And I jump into the compact space kicking the son of a bitch in the jaw as I came tumbling down. A massive storm of fists exploded right there in the tiny room. There's a good chance that I was so into it, I punched myself one time. In all the fists and fury, I guess one of our arms went rogue and pressed the button for the roof. Having had no other requests from other visitors at the Inn, the elevator began to ascend to the top floor. I gave a left and a right, taking the same from this guy as well. Eventually, I was able to grab his left wrist, and made an attempt to grab the wallet which he was carrying in his left hand. It was an extremely intense struggle. We wrestled back and forth, neither one of us noticing the elevator doors had opened and we had rolled out onto the blacktop of the hotel's roof. I landed on top of him before he used all his leg power to kick me above his head, knocking me right to the edge of the building. I was a little dazed, as my head was dangling off the 13 story building, with no more support than a slight winter breeze. A shooting pain flew up my leg, and right then I knew it was broken. I winced at the sharp hurting. My competitor stood up and walked over to my exhausted body. He stood there for a second, just trying to catch his breath, but laughing as he he was gasping for that fresh, brisk air. He looked down at me, and I up at him. The sound of sirens were audible in the distance. He looked up as they got closer, and I could sense an ambulance and more than a few police cars pulling into the parking lot of the hotel. Between breathes, he started to speak to me. "Well...looks like I won't be the one taking the fall on this then eh?" As he said the words, he took the money and credit cards out of the wallet, and threw me what was left of it. "They'll think it was all planned by you." I looked past him, and a grin couldn't help but form on my face. He just looked down at me, confused at my happiness for taking the wrap for him. "What's so funny?" he couldn't help but ask. "I know something that you don't" I said. "And what's that?" he retorted in the asshole way I only expected of him. I pulled myself to my knees, using all my will power not to scream in pain of my leg. I kneeled, looking right at him, two feet in front of me. I stared right into his eyes for two seconds, and the smirk on my face grew to a full out smile. "Well" I said, "it looks like you will be taking the fall after all." "And what makes you so sure of that??" he replied. "Just a hunch". As those last words came from my mouth, Terra had made her way, silently behind him, with the revolver she keeps in her purse for emergencies and rips a bullet right through the guys back out into the open air. His face just went blank, and he let go of the money and credit cards. His body tumbled forward, right over the edge down on to the police cars below. He fell 13 stories and splattered all over the pavement, while Terra helped me on to my feet and we watched the blood trickle out of his bullet wound to create a lake of dark red around his sprawled body. We just stood there for a second, taking in what had just happened, before we turned in silence, collected the money and headed down to the hotel's lobby. We walked out the front door, experiencing the massive commotion, and I gave Terra back the rest of her wallet. Simple Plan was unharmed. I limped past the police cars, reaching into my pocket for a tissue to wipe away some of the blood on my face when I realized I had had 40 bucks in my pocket all along! Terra and I had a good laugh about that as we crossed the street to once again return to the theater to pay for our movie tickets. It had definitely been an eventful night!

And of course the movie was HILARIOUS!! FYC Hathaway and Hudson Best Actresses 09!!