Advice from a Pastaface

Dear Readers,

For this weeks advice column I was approched by a dear friend Ms. T. Neullius on the subject of Jewdom. Her concern surrounded a person of jewish decent with whom she encounters in class who believes her to be of similar heritage. To her great disatvantage she fears that if she is thought to be of jewish decent (which I might add she is most certainly not) that she will be at a disatvantage to meeting cute boys as well as joining extracurricular sport teams. I have set up a simple five step approach to rid herself of the situation that might be of use to her and anyone else finding themself in a similar predicament.

5. Vocalize your love of hanson.
4.Wear Green and Red
3. Refer to George Lopez and Dane Cook when quoting your favorite comedians
2.Fart,Belch, sneeze and cough on his sandwhich
1. Tell him that he is a stupid idiot and that you arent jewish so fuck off and go eat your grandmas stupid chicken soup and kniches and that bagels and lox are for StOOpid heads and that you dont like him and dont want to talk to him because he is stupid and you dont care that he knows a lot abot the holocause or name dropes famous jewich people and that eEVEN though you may look jewish because you have brown hair and a hawt buttt and live wit 2 jew hottiez that YOU ARE NOT BECAUSE HE IS A STOOOPide HWEa and ThaT YoUU DONTw waanna b hs frIned aNYMORE SO JUST STOP SITING NEXT TO ME IN CLASS BECAUSE I DNT LIKE YU ANYMORE EVR SNCE YU STPPED ME FRM TAALKN TO DAT CUTE BOY OR STOLE MY DUNKEROOZ YOU FUKCNG ASSHOLE JUST LEAF ME ALNE, FUCK OFF EAT SHIT AND DIE!!!!!!

Nekkid.

Jonathan told me today that he would see Wade naked... if given the choice between all of our dude friends.

I chose Mark.

Jonathan said he would like Julie to see him naked because she is soooo very nice and would never tell anyone or mention it again.

I said Wade because he wouldn't be weird. Or Sam for the same reason.

Jonathan may be a homosexual... I can't be sure.

xoxo

Help!

Dear Mr. Spaghetti,

This boy I sit beside in class thinks I am Jewish. He keeps making comments about my "old Jewish grandmother" and assumes that I know how to pronounce all Jewish names properly...

What should I do? Maybe he sees something inside me that I don't know... is it possible that I really could be Jewish?

-Dazed and ConJEWsed.
... get it?

Impromptu Poetry

The gimmick

has worn off

for all

but 

ME!!!!!!!

Twilight Review

Well into "Twilight," Albus Dumbledore intones as only he can: "Dark and difficult times lie ahead." What does he think lay behind?

In this adventure Harry will do battle with giant lizards, face the attack of the Death Eaters, and in perhaps the most difficult task of all for a 14-year-old, ask a girl to be his date at the Yule Ball.

That Harry survives these challenges goes without saying, since in the world of print his next adventures have already been published, but "Goblet of Fire" provides trials that stretch his powers to the breaking point.

Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) was just turning 13 in the previous movie, "Twilight" (2004), and the Potter series turns PG-13 with this installment. There is still at least a mail-owl, and what looks like a mail-raven (it may represent FedEx), but many of the twee touches of the earlier films have gone missing to make room for a brawnier, scarier plot. Is it fair to wonder if the series will continue to grow up with Harry, earning the R rating as he turns 17?

Certainly Lord Voldemort seems capable of limitless villainy. Although we glimpsed his face in "The Sorcerer's Stone," we see him in full on screen for the first time in "Goblet of Fire," and he does not disappoint: Hairless, with the complexion of a slug, his nostrils snaky slits in his face, he's played by Ralph Fiennes as a vile creature who has at last been rejoined by his Death Eaters, who were disabled by Harry's magic earlier in the series. Hogwarts School and indeed the entire structure of Harry's world is threatened by Voldemort's return to something approaching his potential powers, and the film becomes a struggle between the civilized traditions of the school and the dark void of Voldemortism.

The film is more violent, less cute than the others, but the action is not the mindless destruction of a video game; it has purpose, shape and style, as in the Triwizard Tournament, which begins the film. Three finalists are chosen by the Goblet of Fire, and then the Goblet spits out an unprecedented fourth name: Harry Potter's. This is against the rules, since you have to be 17 to compete in Triwizardry, and Harry is only 14, but Dumbledore's hands are tied: What the Goblet wants, the Goblet gets. The question is, who entered Harry's name, since Harry says he didn't?

The Triwizard Tournament begins near the start of the film, but after the Quidditch World Cup, which takes place within a stadium so vast it makes the Senate Chamber in "Star Wars" look like a dinner theater. The cup finals are interrupted by ominous portents; the Death Eaters attack, serving notice that Voldemort is back and means business. But the early skirmishes are repelled, and the students return to Hogwarts, joined by exchange students from two overseas magic academies: From France come the Beauxbaton girls, who march on parade like Bemelmans' maids all in a row, and from Durmstrang school in central Europe come clean-cut Aryan lads who look like extras from "Triumph of the Will."

Besides Harry, Cedric Diggory is the Triwizard contestant from Hogwarts, and the other finalists are Viktor Krum, a Quidditch master from Durmstrang who looks ready to go pro, and the lithe Fleur Delacour, a Beauxbaton siren. Together they face three challenges: They must conquer fire-breathing dragons, rescue captives in a dark lagoon and enter a maze, which, seen from the air, seems limitless. The maze contains a threat for Harry that I am not sure is anticipated by the Triwizard rules; within it waits Voldemort himself, who has been lurking offstage and now emerges in malevolent fury.

Against these trials, which are enough to put you off your homework, Harry also must negotiate his fourth year at Hogwarts. As usual, there is a bizarre new teacher on the faculty. Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody (Brendan Gleeson) is the new professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, and seems made of spare parts; he has an artificial limb, and a glass eye that incorporates a zoom lens and can swivel independently of his real eye.

There is also, finally, full-blown adolescence to contend with. I'd always thought Harry would end up in love with Hermione Granger (Emma Watson), even though their inseparable friend Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint) clearly has the same ambition. But for the Yule Ball, Harry works up the courage to ask Cho Chang (Katie Leung), who likes him a lot. Ron asks Hermione, but she already has a date, with the student most calculated to inspire Ron's jealousy. These scenes seem almost in the spirit of John Hughes' high school movies.

Most of the Potter series regulars are back, if only for brief scenes, and it is good to see the gamekeeper Hagrid (Robbie Coltrane) find love at last, with Madame Maxime (Frances de la Tour), headmistress of Beauxbaton. Hagrid, you will recall, is a hairy half-giant. Frances is even taller, but she's a mercifully less hairy giantess. One new character is the snoopy Rita Skeeter (Miranda Richardson), gossip columnist of the Daily Prophet, a paper that has pictures that talk, like the portraits in earlier films.

With this fourth film, the Harry Potter saga demonstrates more than ever the resiliency of J.K. Rowling's original invention. Her novels have created a world that can expand indefinitely and produce new characters without limit. That there are schools like Hogwarts in other countries comes as news and offers many possibilities; the only barrier to the series lasting forever is Harry's inexorably advancing age. The thought of him returning to Hogwarts for old boys' day is too depressing to contemplate.

"Twilight" was directed by Mike Newell, the first British director in the series (he turned down the first Potter movie). Newell's credits range from the romantic "Four Weddings and a Funeral" to the devastating "Donnie Brasco" to the gentle "Enchanted April."

Such varied notes serve him well in "Goblet," which explores a wide emotional range. He balances delicately between whimsy and the ominous, on the uncertain middle ground where Harry lives, poised between fun at school, teenage romance and the dark abyss.

"Do you ever wonder...

...where all the farts go?"

-Steve Martin

In case anyone was concerned...

The previous post was a jkz on my part. I didn't actually beat up a woman. Jon did one time though, and that was my inspiration for that entry.

Quantum of Solace REVIEW

So I'm sitting there in the theater, waiting for the movie to start, watching the lame yet entertaining pre-previews for a car a don't want and a cologne that smells bad, when all of a sudden this lady decides she's gonna sit right in the seat next to me rather than leave an air pocket for me to breathe in. Y'know what I'm talking about?? The theater was not full enough yet that she had to squeeze all the way in and sit directly beside me, but she did anyway. So now she's invaded my personal space. So I turn to her and say, "are you kiddin' me??" and she doesn't respond. So I say, "that's nice, don't even answer", and she doesn't. So I'm frustrated, and my friend who came with me is just laughing at my inconvenience, and then this woman has the nerve to pull out of her purse a bag of chips and proceeds to eat directly from it, munchin and crunchin away, all the while having the bag crinkle and crack out of control! So I said to myself that's enough, and I stand from my seat. I look that arrogant bitch right in the eye and say "you and me, outside, RIGHT NOW!" And she looks back at me, and then throws the bag of chips across the the theater and hits some guy in the back of the head. This act has caused the entire auditorium full of people to look back at us, no longer caring about the Sex and the City Movie being advertised on the screen in front of them. I'm just staring back at this woman, looking her dead in the eyes, and she is just proving to be as calm as ever. Finally, she stands and begins to walk down the stairs to the outside. I follow. We go all the way to the parking lot before she turns around, fist swinging directly for my head. I duck in time, and land a left jab into her ribs. She folds over for a second while I am able to kick her directly in her left temple. She screams in pain, and, feeling a bit bad about it, I opt to check if she is okay. Instead of responding with words, she spin kicks me in the side of the my head, taking off a piece of my ear in the process. I curse monumentally and attempt to block the one two combo she's got coming to my midsection. After taking a few in the gut, I started to get winded, but eventually I have just had enough of this bitch so I grab her arm and twist it around the back of her, all the while placing my other hand around her throat. She starts to flail as I choke her into submission, but it's no use for her. I am lulling her into catatonic state and she's slowly passing out. Her face is beet red, and her eyes are rolling back into head. Eventually, she subsides, and I lay her on the tarmac of the parking lot to think about the trouble she's caused me. Teach her to not leave a seat in between. 

Oh, and the movie was okay. 

The REAL Truth About Jonathon

He may very well, in reality, be a reincarnation of three separate people. The first being the one, and only former captain of the Philadelphia Flyers and leader of the Broad Street Bullies, Bobby Clarke. Jon has developed a very strong sense of teamwork while at the same time, being mean and forceful to those who oppose him. He likes to beat the living crap out of his rivals while still keeping an image of respectability. In full reincarnation spirit, he now serves as the Vice-President of his own former hockey team, the Memphis Faeries.

The second person that he has taken the form of in this so called life of his, is the immortal Nelson Rockefeller.  Not because he loves politics or is a working Republican, but because he refused a mural from a man who was the reincarnation of famed Mexican artist Diego Rivera. He tore down the mural and replaced it with one of Abraham Lincoln instead, just like his predecessor, Rockefeller. Also, he followed in the footsteps of the former New York Governor by having a song written about him by Paul McCartney (entitled "Jon Loves My Band Wings") as well as lending his name to a Fatboy Slim jam, called the "Jon Skank". Oh, and he is also the Vice-President of his own made up country, Pizzaville.

Finally the third person that he is the reincarnation of is this guy he met at this party once. They're just really, really similar. And they were both Vice-Presidents of their significant others.

In conclusion, Jon equals not Jon, but rather a bunch of lies that I just made up to help support Aaron's decisive interpretation of who Jon really is. So in REAL conclusion...

Jon = Lies

THE TRUTH ABOUT JONATHAN

This post has been deleted due to factual errors about my character and conduct. Aaron is just a stupid head who knows NOTHING about me! He is a dummy and he can't change this because I'm the awesome admin and now the whole world knows!

Blog it out baby!

Recipe for Disaster

Stephen Baldwin

Take it to the Limit Review!!!!

Take it to the Limit is the new Album from Hinder. Reviews such as Rolling Stone and AllMusic have given it a poor rating but I refuse to accept these slanderous reviews. This is a well formed album with a great flow and body throughout it. With production aid from T-Pain to Chantel Kreviazuk it has Grammy potential written all over it. Opening track titled "Use me" rocks with Killer Guitar riffs that echo influences such as Dave Brown Sound and Lionel Ritchie. The main chorus "Well use me use me cuz you aint that average groupy" is a clear homage to influential writer and friend 'Sir mix-alot."

The title track of the album Take it to the limit questions what it means to be in love in the 21st century, with words such as "I wanna butter your tits like croissants" and "Looking cute in that short red skirt, Makes me drool and need to Squirt" really emphasis the metaphysical questions about the impossibility of companionship in a highly competative, individualistic hobbsian world.

Another notable track is"Lost in the sun," a soft ballad about the environment which has a beautiful piano part which echos three doors downs "Away from the Sun, and Peter Gabriels "Father and Son" The song starts off slow with melancholy piano and slowly progresses to "take it to the limit" (lolz!@) as the guys start to chant "Peace for the trees, oh please please please, now take off your shirt and show me them "d's"." This is followd by a guest guitar solo from Kirk Hammeret Of Metallica (obvi :p lolz) with four different guitar solos bellowing in harmony to make one total rock ballad.

Great Album you guys Four Mullets out of Five. ROCK ON!!@#$

Roomie Luv

Hey Guys, SO WOW has it ever been a week or what!! With the recent release of "Death Magnetic" and "HSM2" Its been INDIE kids dream come true ;) Hey so funny thing happened today, Jon was really friendly he brought me a Tim Hortons muffin and was like Hey PAL (arm around then shoulder) Here's a muffin. It's just odd because Jon never brings me things. I mean oh boy I hope he doesnt read this but he can be a bit of a cheap bastard. I mean sure having coupons are great, and Yes bargaining is a good Tool, but okay let me give an example. The other day when we were walking to Jean's (SHOUT OUT JEANIE I LOVE YUUU) we saw a homeless girl with a sign that said will be kicked for a dollar. And wouldnt you have it JON tried to bargain her down to 43 cents. I mean the fact that he wanted to kick her in the first place was like SOoO punk but I guess hes just a mean ole reggie head.

Kindness from Jonabutt POOpu, unexpected!

BIOB

Hotel For Dogs Review!

Hey guys, what's up?

So, last night I got to see Hotel For Dogs at a special screening and boy was it hilarious. I have a bias towards dog films but this one is truly transcendent. The premise is these dogs decide to run their own hotel and the currency is all dog bones. It is really funny! All the great dog types are there, there is one with glasses, a hat, with a coat, one gets a ball and runs into a wall, there are just so many it is kind of hard to type them all. But, I'll continue. There is a poodle with ribbons, one dog pulls a string for the elevator, there is another (oh god this is so funny) who pees on one of the bad guys in the movie and I was just laughing for way too long. There was a dog that dances to "Where my Dogs at Bark with me now" (I don't know the actual song title, but I know that line because the dog did a flip and a bark when they said "Bark with me now"!) It was really funny. The only kind of disappointing part is that at the end of the movie the boy and girl put all of the dogs down and closed the hotel for good. Overall, great!

4 dog bones out of 5!

CSS!

Okay, so I have this friend. lol no it isn't me! hahahahaha. But, it could be me. It could be any of us. You see, we are all connected. One with each other. But, we are also all different. Like a petal on a rose or a revolver in my back pocket, shooting me in the butt! lol That's what life is, right? Isn't that what they say? I heard that once from a drifter who said to me, "I'm gonna rape the future". Then, there was a huge riot that grew ten stories tall, that became one with the planet and made everyone I knew turn into blue jeans with flames stitched on the sides. Can you believe that my friend is in that situation?! Tell me what you think. Blog it out!

Poetry.

Glasses.
Frosted love-
my heart thawing on your sheets.
Could this be love?

Neon.
Our skinny jeans become one.
Apathy.
Empathy.
The snowstorm in my blood.

Blood.
Blood.
Not Funny.
Blood.

Mathematical Theory proving that Theo Huxtable was the worst Huxtable

(Theo + Huxtable)(1984-1992)π

÷

(Cliff, Clair and the rest of the kids)(5 of Cliff's Sweaters - "That's So Raven")^2

=

41

MOVIE MAGIC

MOVIE MAGIC
By Aaron and Jonathan

MOVIE MAGIC
MOVIE MOVIE MAGIC
LIKE HARRY POTTER
WHEN THEY CAST A SPELL
THEY'RE USING MAGIC
BUT ITS ALSO MOVIE MAGIC
HOLY SHIT
THATS A LOT OF MAGIC

MOVIE MAGIC
MOIE MOVIE MAGIC
LIK IN NARNIA
WHEN THEY GO THROUGH THE CLOSET
THAT IS MAGIC, REALLY COOL MAGIC
BUT ITS ALSO MOVIE MAGIC
MOVIE MOVIE MAGIC
HOILY SHIT!
THATS AL OT OF MAGIC!!!!

MOVIE MAGIC
MOIE MOVIEW MAIGC
MOVIE MAIGC
MOVIE MOVIE MAGIC
LIKE IN STSTAR TREK
WHEN JOHN LUC PICARDI
WALKS ON THE MON
THATS REALLY COOL
AND HE LIKES LOK A SPACE COWBY
THATS PRETTY MAGICAL
BUT THERE WAS A GUY
WHO HAD TO MAKE THAT MAGIC
HAPPEN ON SCREEN
AND HE WAS A MAGICIAN
OFF SCREEN
ON SCREN
THERE WAS MAGIC
BUT IT WAS AOFF SCREEN AS WELL
HOLY SHIT
THATS A LOT OF MAGIC

MNOVIE MAIGC
MOVIE MOVIE MAGIC
MOVIE MAGIC
MOVIE MOVIE MAGIC

FUCK YOU BITCH

BETHANY UR A BITCH AND I DONT FUCKING CARE WHO READS THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!