Bride Wars REVIEW

As you all may recall, a few days previous, I commented about my rather interesting film going experience when I took a trip to see the hysterically quirky Four Christmases. I ended up running into a rather familiar acquaintance, and well, the rest as we say, is gore. Anyway, I decided to hold my head high and go out tonight and see another movie, to lift my spirits...and nurse my shin wound. So with the release of the new Hudson/Hathaway flick, Bride Wars, I took my chances with what looked like a pretty amazing pairing of respected Hollywood actressed. I mean, if nothing else, I was hoping to catch a glimpse of the hilarious Candy Bergen. So I get to the theater, and realize that I forgot my wallet. Lucky for me, "Who I Am"'s resident blogger, Terra Nullius, and I were on a hawt date, so she was able to pay for the both of us. Nice move Gray, right? Anyway, as she reaches into her purse to pull out her Simple Plan wallet, some asshole just appears out of thin air (or so it seemed) and snatches it right out of her fairly loose grip. Not even missing a beat, I take off, two steps behind him, chasing the scoundrel out of the theater doors and down the blackened, icy street. It was going to be another interesting night, I could already tell. I took pursuit of the dude down the road that the theater was on, dodging patches of shiny concrete, making an attempt not to lose my footing. This guy was quick and agile. Obviously, he had done this before. When he reached the end of the sidewalk, instead of attempting to make a sharp right and continue along the designated walking area, he tore across the busy intersection, against the light which had just turned green. Cars began to honk and screech, deftly attempting not to hit the inconsiderate pedestrian that had jumped out in front of them. Not to be outdone, I launched myself into the maze of swerving vehicles, dodging and juking anything that was going to hit me. I stayed completely on pace with the guy, never falling a step behind. After the quick run in with near death, he booked it towards a parking lot of the hotel next to where the theater was situated. It was here that I guess he figured he could lose me if he could get enough parked cars in between himself and his chaser. His plan came into fruitation, as I lost my grip on the tread and slid to my knees across a plate of black ice. When I came back up, I saw no sign of the asshole. I guessed that he must've ducked down and was crawling along the pavement now instead. So back to my stomach I flopped. I stayed down there, desperate for any sign of movement. I scanned the narrow area underneath the cars. There was not an ounce of disturbance in the entire parking lot. I took a second glance. Nothing. I stood up, about to admit that I may have lost him, when suddenly, there was a flash in the corner of my eye. He must have suspected I was no longer hunting him, and that this would be a perfect opportunity to flee the trap. Alas, he didn't give this pursuer enough credit. Immediately upon seeing his getaway attempt, I took stride once again, chasing him through rows upon rows of cars. He weaved in and out of the immobile obstacles, before darting into the Holiday Inn itself. I followed closely, but noticed that I was slowly losing my breath. Unfortunately for this douche bag, the word quit was no longer in my dictionary. We both fly past the receptionist working, forcing him to follow the leader and try to get us to leave the building. Of course, that wasn't going to happen, I needed Terra's wallet back or else I couldn't see Candy Bergen!! So now I'm chasing the wallet snatcher, and the receptionist chick is chasing me up the stairwell, heading higher and higher in the building. I get about to the eighth floor before fatigue really starts to set in for both me and the wallet snatcher. So we're clammering and struggling for air with every step we walk up, but I turn around and it's not so much as even affecting the receptionist!! With every step I slow, she is speeding up one. I figure I gotta do something, and the wallet snatcher realized she was gaining as well, so he cuts out the door on the 10th floor of the building and I follow in suit. Of course, so does the receptionist, who by this point, is so close she's narrowly missing the heels of my shoes. The thief, still a few feet ahead of me, notices a young guy exiting a room in a bathrobe with an ice bucket in hand. The thief grabs the ice bucket from his hand and flings it in my direction, missing my head by inches. Fortunately for me, it clocked the receptionist right in the temple and she collapses immediately into a lifeless rag doll on the floor. The guy who's ice bucket it was is just flabbergasted, attempting to make sense of everything that is taking place in front of him. The wallet grabber whips by him, so I continue the chase. I tell the shocked tenant to call for an ambulance, because, well, I don't want this chick to die, right?? Anywho, the thief jumps into a closing elevator, heading down. Of course, the doors close right in front of me leaving me with the sights of this smirking bastard laughing right at my face. No. I can't let him get away. With all my strength I had left, I ripped the elevator door open, an jumped down the three stories onto the roof of the moving elevator car. A loud thud, but I made it. I open the emergency hatch just in time to see the pure shock on the vandal's face. I look down at him and say, "Leaving so soon?" And I jump into the compact space kicking the son of a bitch in the jaw as I came tumbling down. A massive storm of fists exploded right there in the tiny room. There's a good chance that I was so into it, I punched myself one time. In all the fists and fury, I guess one of our arms went rogue and pressed the button for the roof. Having had no other requests from other visitors at the Inn, the elevator began to ascend to the top floor. I gave a left and a right, taking the same from this guy as well. Eventually, I was able to grab his left wrist, and made an attempt to grab the wallet which he was carrying in his left hand. It was an extremely intense struggle. We wrestled back and forth, neither one of us noticing the elevator doors had opened and we had rolled out onto the blacktop of the hotel's roof. I landed on top of him before he used all his leg power to kick me above his head, knocking me right to the edge of the building. I was a little dazed, as my head was dangling off the 13 story building, with no more support than a slight winter breeze. A shooting pain flew up my leg, and right then I knew it was broken. I winced at the sharp hurting. My competitor stood up and walked over to my exhausted body. He stood there for a second, just trying to catch his breath, but laughing as he he was gasping for that fresh, brisk air. He looked down at me, and I up at him. The sound of sirens were audible in the distance. He looked up as they got closer, and I could sense an ambulance and more than a few police cars pulling into the parking lot of the hotel. Between breathes, he started to speak to me. "Well...looks like I won't be the one taking the fall on this then eh?" As he said the words, he took the money and credit cards out of the wallet, and threw me what was left of it. "They'll think it was all planned by you." I looked past him, and a grin couldn't help but form on my face. He just looked down at me, confused at my happiness for taking the wrap for him. "What's so funny?" he couldn't help but ask. "I know something that you don't" I said. "And what's that?" he retorted in the asshole way I only expected of him. I pulled myself to my knees, using all my will power not to scream in pain of my leg. I kneeled, looking right at him, two feet in front of me. I stared right into his eyes for two seconds, and the smirk on my face grew to a full out smile. "Well" I said, "it looks like you will be taking the fall after all." "And what makes you so sure of that??" he replied. "Just a hunch". As those last words came from my mouth, Terra had made her way, silently behind him, with the revolver she keeps in her purse for emergencies and rips a bullet right through the guys back out into the open air. His face just went blank, and he let go of the money and credit cards. His body tumbled forward, right over the edge down on to the police cars below. He fell 13 stories and splattered all over the pavement, while Terra helped me on to my feet and we watched the blood trickle out of his bullet wound to create a lake of dark red around his sprawled body. We just stood there for a second, taking in what had just happened, before we turned in silence, collected the money and headed down to the hotel's lobby. We walked out the front door, experiencing the massive commotion, and I gave Terra back the rest of her wallet. Simple Plan was unharmed. I limped past the police cars, reaching into my pocket for a tissue to wipe away some of the blood on my face when I realized I had had 40 bucks in my pocket all along! Terra and I had a good laugh about that as we crossed the street to once again return to the theater to pay for our movie tickets. It had definitely been an eventful night!

And of course the movie was HILARIOUS!! FYC Hathaway and Hudson Best Actresses 09!!

jonny pizza i've been meaning to talk to you about this for a while: GET OVER YOURSELF.
I'm so sick of you just hanging around rolling your pizza dough and eating pepperoni. That doesn't make you cool.
I guess you could think about making nachos again though because they were pretty good and we had a good time eating those.

Sorry Wade

Sorry Wade

2009: Best Album of the Year

The Best Movie of 2008??

I was going to write my Top 10 movies of 2008 in this post, but couldn't narrow it down because it was such a fantastic year for cinema! So I'll just say, with full certainty, that the hands-down BEST movie of 2008 was...drumroll please...

....

....

ZOHAN!!!!W@W(@WJ(!

My New Years Resolutions

Less crying and more burgers!

In case anyone was concerned...PART II

The previous post was a jkz on my part. I didn't actually beat up the same woman again. Jon did make out with her though and then proceeded to beat her up just like the review dictates. 

Four Christmases REVIEW

Holy, bloody, mother sucking hell, you guys are not going to even believe what the hell happened when I went to see the lovable Vince Vaughn and the mediocre Reese Witherspoon (I mean let's face it, really) this past weekend. Well, a few weeks ago, as you may recall, I went and saw a little film called Quantum of Solace. As I was all set and ready to relax in front of some excellent Bond action, some bitch decided she was going to come down and sit right beside me without leaving a buffer. We exchanged words (harsh, to say the least) and long story short, I ended up knocking her out in the parking lot before coming back to catch the beginning of the movie. So anyway, it's this past weekend, and I am sitting, enjoying the guy on the screen tell me about which tech gadgets I should want for Christmas, even though I don't because none of them hold a candle to any Apple product available, and the theater goes darker to begin the real coming attractions, beginning with Bedtime Stories (which, by the way, looks like Adam Sandler is back at the top of his game). So as the theater is getting darker, I hear this disgustingly clear sucking sound coming from the row behind me. I don't think anything of it, because I just keep telling myself that it's just the previews, and no one will be that inconsiderate when the actual movie starts. And so Bedtime Stories ends, and the next trailer begins, and it's for Jim Carrey's Yes Man. And I want to watch this one. But alas, the massive saliva slipping noise is still taking place right behind me. So I decide that it isn't worth it, and I turn around to hush the inconsiderate bastards who are making out during the previews of a movie they will most certainly be howling in, but in the revealing of the culprits, I am nearly knocked to the floor as the light flickers off of their connected faces to reveal their true identities. And you are not going to believe it. It was that stupid, push-up bra bitch from Quantum of Solace sucking face with none other than "Who I Am"'s resident blogger, Mr. Jonny Pizza!! Like Holy SHIT. So I can't even get two words out before they notice who it is in front of them, and I barely even allow time for it to register before I grab that silly bitch's curly, dark hair and start to drag her out to the damn parking lot for another lesson in theater etiquette. Jonny was stunned, not knowing what to do as I'm already half way down the stairs, having this chick bump her ass down every one as we head closer to the exit. To solve his confusion, I yell back at him, "It's that twat from Quantum of Solace" and he sits down in relief. He starts making out with the chick on his other side instead. Anyway, I make it out to the parking lot, which is filled with snow by the way, and I let go of what's left of her curly brown locks. I roll up my sleeves, and put up my dukes. This time however, she isn't as tough. No. She's instead crying. So, being the gentleman that I am, I antagonize her a little bit, telling her to stop being a pussy and fight me like a man. She can barely even speak through the sobs, but I managed to hear, "I'm not like I was at Quantum of Solace...I've...I've changed." So now I just feel bad. I decide to try and help her up, so I lean down and attempt to wipe away her tears, but that stupid bitch instead stabs me in the leg with the ice pick she was retrieving from her bloody purse. She stands up, yelling something about how I'm a fool for believing that she'd change, but I couldn't repeat it word for word because my leg was just oozing with pain. What happened next is a little blurry, because I was blinded by the pain of the stabbing, but I recall getting suffocated for several minutes in a snow pile before having my head knocked several times against the door of a red Volvo. It was about this time that I started to get a clear sense of where I was again...I think it was the fourth knocking that put me back to the correct state. Anyway, through all the pain of my throbbing leg I was able to pick myself up after throwing a slushball into her eye. Having to put all my weight on to the one leg, made me fall right back down after clocking her with my first punch. She went flying back into a Cadillac Seville, colour mint green, where she must have accidentally had her arm put through the window. Just her luck, the owner of the car was just exiting a screening of Twilight, and he did not take kindly to the damage his car had just undergone at all. I mean, he absolutely flipped his shit. I have never seen anyone this enraged over such a miniscule detail like this one. So as I picked myself up once again, I witnessed this 50 year old man, just absolutely pounding on this 20 something woman. He was just knocking her back and forth in the snow, until, at one point, one of her teeth flew right out into the snow in front of me. It was about this time, that I thought he had taken it too far. So I hobbled over to him, and tried to pry him off of the helpless girl, but he just pushed me back. I tried again. Same result. It was now, that I saw the ice pick the chick had stabbed me with. I winced as I bent to grab it, and I came back up holding it to the dude's throat. I whispered in his ear, "I think she's had enough, alright old man?" and he nodded his head ever so slowly. I kept going with my instructions. "You are gonna get into your precious Cadillac, and just drive away, and we'll all pretend that none of this ever took place, understand?" Again, he nodded. "Good." I said, and I let took the pick away from his throat. I picked the nearly unconscious girl up off the ground, and we watched the guy drive off, until we could no longer see the green tint of his expensive car. We stood there for a moment, not noticing that it had in fact started to snow, ever so lightly. It was an odd snow. There was no wind to blow it, so it was the rare time that the flakes were falling directly vertical to the ground. Standing in silence, no eye contact, I felt a significant connection to her at that exact moment, knowing she was appreciating the falling snow, just as much as I was. I turned to ask her if she wanted to go back inside, and as I pivoted, she cold-cocked me in the face with a pair of brass knuckles I had somehow missed from earlier on in the fight. Let me tell you, that hurt like a son of a bitch. On my way down though, I swung my size 12 steel toed boot around and caught her ankle at the awkward position she was planted in. I heard the immediate *crack* and felt her come tumbling down right beside me. I rolled over, seeing her body in a heap on the white pavement, grabbing at her broken appendage. It took me a few minutes to stand, but I got there eventually. I just stared down at her, before I demanded that she look into me eyes. Her pain filled doe-eyes pierced through mine, and we shared another moment, this time of utter disdain for one another. I looked deep into her soul, and saw the devil staring back. My mouth started to move, without my mind even knowing. I snarled at the beast, "if you don't want this to happen again, you better stop making out in movie theaters. It's just bad movie watching etiquette." And with that, I stepped over her body, giving it one last swift kick to the gut. The sound of her losing her breath echoed across the parking lot, and I made my way up the front steps and back into the theater. The score was now, 2 to 0, favor to me.

Oh, and Four Christmases was SOOOOO funny.

I can hardly wait for...

1 HOUR UNTIL DINNER
7 HOURS UNTIL "SLEEPIES"
18 HOURS UNTIL POKER W/ DA BOIZ
2 DAYS UNTIL EXAMS!
3 DAYS UNTIL EXAMS DONE WOOO!
4 DAYS UNTIL I GO HOME
5 DAYS UNTIL BAKING COOKIEZ WIT MUH LADIEZ
14 DAYS UNTIL CHANUKKAH (PRESENTS YAY!)
18 DAY UNTIL CHRISTMAS (MORE PRESENTS DOUBLE YAY ;0)
25 DAYS UNTIL NEW YEARS (PARTY!!!)
33 DAYS UNTIL SEMESTER TWO (NERD!)
90 DAYS UNTIL READING WEEK(PARTY! WOO)
98 DAYS UNTIL JONS BAR-MITZVAH
153 DAYS UNTIL SUMMER BREAK!(FREEDOM!!)
216 DAYS UNTIL MY BRITHDAY (CAKE!)
300 DAYS UNTIL WISDOM TEETH OUT(OUCHIES!)
365 DAYS UNTIL THIS TIME NEXT YEAR!!!!!!!
480 DAYS UNTIL 3RD YEAR!~!@##(laMe)
560 DAYS UNTIL WADES WEDDING!! (;))
740 DAYS UNTIL JON BECOMES ADDICTED TO HEROIN
900 DAYS UNTIL NAOMI COMES HOME (lOVE YOU)
1042 DAYS UNTIL DAVE GOES TO UNIVERSITY (NERD)
1546 DAYS UNTIL I GET MY FIRST KISS
1800 DAYS UNTIL JILLIAN GETS ARRESTED FOR MANSLAUGTER ON TWO COUNTS AND FACES LIFE IN PRISON
1801 DAYS UNTIL JILLIAN GETS AQUITED OF ALL CHARGES
1802 DAYS UNTIL JULIE FOUND TO BE REAL CULPRIT OF MASS MURDERS THAT JILLIAN WAS TRIED FOR
2399 DAYS UNTIL JON QUITS HIS HEROIN ADDICTION
40000 DAYS UNTIL THE SECOND COMING!!!

Ummm....

can you just stop being such a fucking wiener, dude?