Marmaduke REVIEW

So, given that it's been close to a year since you heard from anyone on this blog, I thought it would be appropriate to start things back up again with a good ol' fashioned review of one of the movies that I saw recently. What movie is it you ask?? Well, I'll tell you good sir. The movie that I went and saw recently was Marmaduke. Everyone's favourite comic stripped great dane has been adapted for the big screen, and let me tell you, was I ever excited. So, when I went to see this movie over the weekend, I decided that it would be a good idea to catch an earlier showing as opposed to a later one, in order to avoid the huge swarms of people that would most certainly be clamoring to catch that wacky pooch (voiced by Owen Wilson, by the way). When I came up with that plan, I figured I was a genius. I would get to have a whole row to myself, while all those suckers would have to cram together, with no room for their elbows and have to deal with the smelly armpits of the people right next to them. No thanks guys!! Not for me!! Haha!! Anyway, I get to the theater, and my plan is playing out exactly as expected. I'm there 40 minutes early, and the theater is almost empty. It's really a shame that more people don't realize that there's earlier showings of movies. They're missing out on a great deal. Oh well, more for me right?? Hahah!! As I'm sitting, guessing all the trivia on the screen in front of me (like I always do), a few people start to come in and sit down. That's okay though, because I expect that. What I didn't anticipate however, was the kids. Every new person that is coming in to watch this movie has a kid with them. If you don't already know this, the number one poison in a movie theater, besides ignorant bastards, are snot nosed children who don't understand when to shut the fuck up. So, before the movie starts, I begin my skepticism that this is going to be a pleasant experience. I mean, why would people choose to bring their kids to MARMADUKE of all movies!? They aren't even old enough to appreciate the zany antics of Sir George Lopez!! Oh well though, I tell myself. It probably wouldn't be THAT bad. After the rest of the people shuffled into the theater, the seats weren't completely full, and it was about as packed as I had suspected. But five minutes before the movie is about to start, a kid down the row from me starts to throw a temper tantrum. He starts screaming "I don't WANT POPCORN!! I want CANDYYY!!" The level in which this kid is screaming, and the amount of incompetence that his mother is exerting are just excruciating. I can barely keep my cool among the terror down the aisle from me. Down a few seats in front of me a little girl is looking back at the bratty kid. She must be 4, maybe 5 years old, with little blonde pig tails and a Barbie t-shirt. She looks directly over at the kid and yells at him. "Hey dickmunch!! The movies gonna start, so shut your fag hole!!" At the same time, a few tiny voices chime in behind me, agreeing with what the little construction worker has said. "Yeah!! Pipe down Chico!!" I'm flabbergasted at this point. It doesn't seem to be real what's happening in front of me. Yet, here I am, watching tiny children curse at each other like racist little monkeys. As much as I wanted to see Marmaduke, this was just as entertaining. The kid down the aisle from me stops his screaming and foot stomping. He looks down at the little girl and flips her the bird. "Shut up cunt-face before I come down'are and kick you right in tha fuckin' bawx!!" Why this kid had the accent of a New York cab driver, I don't know, but the words were there, and so was he. I darted my head back to the little pig tailed girl to catch her reaction to the blatant obscenity that had just been screamed at her. She started to laugh. Her head was thrown back, and she began to genuinely chuckle. I looked back over at Cabbie kid, and he seemed to be getting more furious with the lack of seriousness that his threat was receiving. Eventually, the little girls hearty chuckles were just too much for him to bare, and against his mother's wishes, this 3 year old jumped the set of chairs in front of him and strutted towards this girl in order to follow through on his threat. He had to jump one more set of seats, but before he could, another little boy, this one of about 4 years old with a backwards Cars hat on, stopped the cabbie kid in his tracks. "Listen" he said, "why don't you go back to your seat. You don't wanna hit a girl." The Cabbie kid seemed stunned by this intervention. "What tha FUCK do you know about what I wanna hit!?" By this point, the hat kids hands are up in the air, in a gesture of peace. It was understandable. I mean, this kid is only trying to play deliberator in this whole big mess. Then, without warning, and before any response could be heard, the Cabbie kid's right hand came out of no where, and knocked the Cars boy right in the chin, rendering him unconscious before he even hit the ground. "You know what?? You was right!! I didn't wanna hit no fuckin' girl. I wann'ed ta hit YOU!!" Watching this whole thing take place, and no longer laughing, the pig tails girl jumped into the aisle, and ran to the Cars boy now lying motionless on the ground. She cupped his head, and checked to see if he would be okay. At this point, I guess satisfied with his little victory, the Cabbie kid began retreating back the way he came, going to sit and prepare for the movie (or maybe to continue his argument with his mother). The little pig tailed girl wasn't quite through yet though, and still on the Cars kid's side, she called after him, "You cowardly pig!! What kind of faggot just ups and clocks another guy without any warning, especially one who was just trying to help!!" The Cabbie kid stops in his tracks and turns around to the girl. "You better shut tha fuck up bitch before I finish what I wanted to before!!" "Try it!!" she screamed back. "You just knocked out an unarmed man, so you don't even have the balls to hit me!!" "I'm warnin' you bitch!! You better shut that slutty mouth of yours!!" The Cabbie boy turned away, thinking he had got his point through, but sure enough, the little blonde girl got to her feet, and with all her might, delivered a giant "FUCK YOU!!" across the theater. The Cabbie kid just stopped dead. He didn't turn around right away, as if to show that he was trying to stop himself from doing what he was about to do. But, sure enough, he must have lost the battle to give up, because he turned around and made a bee-line for the little blonde girl. Everyone in the theater sat up in the seats. Every last person in the room wanted to see what was gonna happen. Here they are, these two little kids, in a tiny little showdown, the entire room's attention on nothing but them. The Cabbie kid hurried toward the little girl. She just stood their, holding her ground. About four steps away from her, and the lights in the room go down. Oh man, they were starting the movie. Everything went dark for just a second, and then, as the projector flickered on, and the first trailer began to play, a flash of light revealed the scene in front of us again. It came on just in time to see the Cabbie boy, taking his final steps into a winding, powerful soccer kick from the girl, that landed at full velocity, right in the little boy's cohones. He stood for a second, obviously thrown from the theater lights being dimmed, not realizing what had just happened. The girl's foot settled once again at her side, waiting for a reaction from the boy she had just castrated. The look on his face was somewhere in between agony and defeat. After what seemed like a long time, he made a move to turn around, but instead collapsed under his own limp body. The wind was completely gone from his stomach. This was the most pain he had ever experienced in his short little life. Obviously satisfied with herself, the little girl gave a small little smirk, and silently walked away from the whole scene, returning to her seat just in time to see the beginning of The Smurfs teaser. As he lied there, the other patrons of the cinema began to focus their attention back at the giant screen in front of them. The little Cabbie boy just lie there on the ground, a tiny almost inaudible whimper exiting his small, three year old mouth every once in a while. Eventually his mother made it over to him, and helped him to his feet. She tried to tend to his wounds, but he just pushed her away, managing the only words he could since the incident, "Not hear, you stupid bitch..." If you weren't listening closely, you would have never had heard it. The two of them walked down the stairs and out of the theater, just as the "Feature Presentation" sign was coming up on the screen. Feeling like the last set of eyes to watch them leave the room, I brought my focus back to the movie screen, but couldn't help but ponder what I had just seen. A gaggle of infants demonstrating the real struggles that society has yet to overcome. Truly extraordinary.

Oh, and Marmaduke was hands down, the best movie of the summer so far. They really got it right. But I stepped in gum on the way out of the theater. Everything bad happens to me!!